A Message on Grief… 9 years!

On May 6, 2016 my life changed like completely changed. It was slowly beginning to change prior to that on April 26th 2016 when my dad’s cancer doctor informed me he had 3 months to live. Faith set in and I was like he’s strong he ALWAYS bounces back from everything. However days later we had to take him to the emergency room where a doctor told me he was dying. I will not ever forget walking out of the emergency sitting down and crying like a baby that my best friend was leaving me and this time he was going to be breaking the promise he always made to me when I was a little girl he always said “he would come back for me”. However this time I got a “it’s nothing I can do about it” when the doctor tells us in front of him that he was dying. Fast forward to 9 years later and Yes, that still is a vivid memory that I won’t ever forget. Every year around the end of April not matter how much I don’t pay attention to that time my heart knows that time of the year, just like it knows Father’s day, holidays we celebrated together, his birthday etc. But wait! It’s been 9 years though right? Yes, it has been 9 years but one thing that remains is people seem to think you grieve and you get over it and that’s it. NO! It does not work like that you grieve for the rest of your life but it’s just different for everyone, but one thing that remains is it doesn’t just stop. It just becomes manageable.

There is something I want to make clear that many people say “they are in a better place” yes they are and that part is understood. Of course you don’t want them to continue in pain and suffering. Would I want my dad to keep being in pain from chemo, barely able to walk, referee basketball and not be able to do the things that he loved to do? No I wouldn’t want him to keep suffering like that at all. However that was my dad, my best friend and someone who was always a there for me, but then the person that’s always there for me is gone. Yes, there are times I wish he were still here in good health and able to have a lunch date full of wisdom and life lessons, but I know he’s gone. That doesn't make a person selfish just because they wish that their loved one were still here. People and society have created so many ways they feel that someone should grieve and all these sayings and superstitions like “if you keep crying over them your not letting them rest” or “ they aren’t at peace if you keep mourning them”. These are just a few of the sayings that people seem to go by but at the end of the day they aren’t true. At the end of the day you lost someone that meant so much to you, and your life had to make a drastic change since this person is gone. You end up having to revamp your whole life and start a new, holding tight onto the memories of what is left and realizing they won’t be apart of your new memories. That’s a major life shift especially if you lost someone that was your main support in various areas of your life. It’s hard trust me, I use to hear people talk in college about losing a parent or loved one and I would put myself in their shoes and give them empathy. That’s something thats hard in this day and age is showing others empathy. I say that because it doesn’t matter what you feel for a person may you like them, dislike them, never talked to them or whatever empathy is something that can be given in all those circumstances. My husband lost his day before his 16th birthday and he still has moments where he misses him etc. So I say that to say to those that are grieving its a life long journey full of waves. The smallest things your loved one did will become memories and tears will begin to get and flow, while at other times it may make you smile and laugh. That’s a part of grief.

I’m writing this to say to help someone that’s grieving and feel like they maybe doing to much or feel like those around them don’t understand what they are feeling. It’s different for everyone as I stated before, however it’s important to get and allow a person to feel what they are feeling and to be mindful that not everyone is going to truly get and understand your feelings, because some people may have lost someone but they may not have been that close to the person or whatever it may be. That doesn't mean you have to grieve the way that they do, let alone do and grieve how they do. Grieve and let that feeling being expressed not everyone is going understand it or the pain that you’re feeling. But one thing I don’t want anyone grieving to do is ACT LIKE EVERYTHING IS OKAY WHEN YOU’RE HURTING! Thats the worst thing you can do and it spills out in other ways in your life, such as making sound decisions, relying on substances that are harmful to you in the long wrong, putting yourself in unsafe situations, the list could go on. If you are not okay say that and talk with someone you trust, and allow your true feelings to flow.

On May 6, 2025 made 9 years of my dad being gone and although on that day I didn’t have a moment, but I understand a moment can happen at anytime. It’s a part of it! So thats my message on grief is you flowing with the journey and allowing things to take place as they should. I tried being like I was okay and know that so well but eventually I had to sit and unpack it all and truly allow myself to feel my true feelings without feeling like I had to mask them. If you are grieving and on a healing journey as well know that there are people who are rooting for you and that you are stronger than you think. If you do not have someone that will listen to you I will listen to you leave me a comment or send me and email I will respond. Well thats my message on grief and the biggest thing I learned over these past 9 years. I may do one on the specifics of other things I learned a long the way, but this one has to be the most important one to me. Enjoy your day and Thank you so much for taking the time to read. ♥️